A Career Story: My Days of Inauthenticity
Inauthenticity, filters and exhaustion
(there’s also good news 
)
By Shanti Joy Gold
I haven’t always lived authentically in my professional life. I have a swirl of memories and emotions that I associate with this time in my life. Today, I’m thinking about: exhaustion. (Keep reading for good news, too 🙂)
Here’s the best way I can describe this chapter: imagine that you don’t feel safe to share your truth. In my case, I was hiding my relationship with my now-wife.
Imagine that internally, somewhere in your chest – near your heart – there’s a filter. Throughout the day, many times a day, you feel it necessary to run what you say to others through the filter.
Often, it’s prompted by the simplest conversation with a colleague. For example, someone asks me: “what did you do this weekend?” Since I’m a transparent person by nature who values connection, I want to share.
So I do what I now know that many people-hiding-stuff do. I pause and run my weekend through the filter. I start answering in the plural, without ANY context or specific reference to the person. “We went to the beach and then had a cookout.” 😨
My colleague has no idea who “we” is (or maybe they suspect? I wonder what they’re thinking?). It’s 100% awkward. It doesn’t feel good as I say it. Anyone who knows me fully, knows how much I value honesty.
But it’s the best I can do at the moment.
When I was finally ready to share my truth…when I removed the filter…I was awarded a deep appreciation for the beauty and power of showing up fully. I was able to experience the profound “click” of coming into alignment. My biggest career successes followed.
Also, I brace myself for the possibility of a bold move by my colleague: “Who’s WE?” It typically doesn’t happen, but I need to be prepared just in case.
Looking back, I wonder how this all showed up in my body language. I’m the worst liar. No poker face. In high school, a friend somehow landed a copy of an exam prior to us taking it. While I didn’t look at it, I knew he had it. He brazenly flashed it at me during the test (wink, wink). I made eye contact with the teacher. Based SOLELY on the look on my face, she approached my friend, found the copy of the answers and escorted him from the room….
So yeah, I’m sure my demeanor was all kinds of twisted – and I’m sure I was doing my best to adjust and contort in real time.
All of this is in response to one innocent question.
By the way, the filter isn’t just an in-the-moment tool. It’s always running. I activate it to constantly scan for when the next innocent question will come (because it will).
EXHAUSTING.
Here’s the gift I received from this time in my life: when I was finally ready to share my truth…when I removed the filter…I was awarded a deep appreciation for the beauty and power of showing up fully. I was able to experience the profound “click” of coming into alignment. My biggest career successes followed.
With this chapter in the rearview mirror, I’m now grateful for this clarity – and for the opportunity to help LGBTQ+ and underrepresented people confidently thrive in their careers by being fully themselves.
See, I told you there was good news. 😉